After a week or so of silence, during which I didn’t even open my computer, Bish told me I lacked discipline.
Of course I lack discipline. That goes without saying. But I don’t think that’s why I haven’t been writing, or watching the news, or reading the newspaper.
Sometimes an inner conflict causes one to shut down.
The good thing about blogging is that you really can’t ignore things, even if you can’t be bothered with them. They pop up and you have to deal with them. Sometimes dealing with them means you have to take a breather and not think about them for a while. There is always the danger you might not come back.
Part of the reason I write this blog is a healthy survival instinct. Lacking a more active modus operandi for Fight or Flight, I blog to conquer my fear. I am told that my country, my home, has no right to exist, and that fills me with fear. I am told that its chances of surviving are slim, and that fills me with fear. I read a book about the hold religious fanatics, whose main wish is to destroy everything I hold dear, have on Palestinian society, and that fills me with fear.
But what do I write that will help? And what do I not write? What do I do with my criticism for things that are being done by my leaders that are wrong, when the reasons for them are right? These are things that should be written in Hebrew. Saying them in English just serves to make things worse, because, read out of context, they could be used by our enemies, exaggerated, inflated, and twisted.
It’s not that I am overestimating my ability to effect or influence anything, mind you. A few hundred mainly friendly readers don’t change anything besides helping to lull my feelings of guilt at my inactivity. If I have nothing hopeful or positive to say, surely I should just shut up. What is the point of telling people overseas that I think the army, the Prime Minister and so on, should be doing certain things differently? And about my growing unease in the face of the behavior of said PM’s sons and said PM’s political party? And about my displeasure at the State’s continuing ineptitude in dealing with small groups of Jews trying to force their agenda on us in the disputed territories? These are still issues that, while frustrating me intensely, are dwarfed by the dangers posed to us by those who will stop at nothing to make us go away, however long it takes them.
But enough of all that heavy stuff. I'm back from my eight days of detoxing now. I've even dared to open my mail box. It wasn't too bad, considering. Last night I was at a Bat Mitzva, busy mingling with a half finished glass of wine in my hand, when I suddenly remembered that I was on antibiotics, the type that don't mix with alcohol. Result: I had the worst time, most of it spent in the toilet, had to leave early, and now I’ve got the hangover from hell.